Alucard (Hellsing Ultimate Abridged)/Synopsis

"Psych, Hitler!"
While on a walk with the Police Girl, Alucard encounters vampire couple Edward Cullen and Bella Swan after they had murdered a entire innocent family. When Alucard knocks on the door, Edward asks who it is, to which Alucard replies, "Oh you know..." and then proceeds to pump him full of silver bullets before proclaiming himself "a real f-cking vampire". Outside, as Bella is fleeing, Seras lines up to take the the shot, but Alucard begins annoying her on purpose. After Seras kills Bella, she begins bragging it to Alucard to which he replies with calling her "a treat."

The scene then changes to one week earlier, when Alucard is taking his usual walk. Suddenly, he encounters a vampiric priest and his army of ghouls. Assuming that Alucard was there to stop him, the priest boasts about turning the entire town into ghouls and planning to rape a pre-vampiric Seras after killing Alucard. In response, Alucard mocks the priest before shooting through the Police Girl's heart to kill the priest. Alucard then tries to leave, but is stopped by the half-alive Seras's groans. He attempts to apologize for shooting the Police Girl, but is wooed by her "blonde eviscerated puppy" look and turns her into a vampire (which he claims that the only reason for doing so is because she had nice tits), which he then reports to his boss, Integra Fairbrook Windgates Hellsing.

In the present, Alucard reports to Integra about killing Edward and Bella, much to Integra's irritation over Alucard's random encounters on his walks. Integra then sends Alucard to a mission in Ireland, and Alucard expresses his excitement of killing a Leprechaun before being told that it was a vampire that had taken over a hospital. At the same time, Father O'MalleyO'ConnelO'CarrollO'ReillyO'BrianO'Sullivan (who is also Italian) sends Alexander Anderson to the same hospital to kill them.

At said hospital, Alucard expresses how much he loves to kill zombies and once again annoys the Seras into joining him in killing the ghouls, sending her into a bloodrage in the process which arouses Alucard more than usual. Anderson then appears, explaining that the vampire Alucard was sent to kill is already dead. As Alucard mocks Anderson with pedophilia jokes, Anderson attempts to dramatically introduce himself with a speech he claimed to come up with a week ago, though Alucard cites that it is from The Boondock Saints. Meanwhile, Integra is informed of Anderson's involvement.

After bickering with immaturity, Anderson decapitates Alucard after he shoots him in the head. The Police Girl runs off with Alucard's head as Anderson implies that he plans to "rape" her (Rape in this case meaning: "Completely and utterly destroy"). Anderson catches up to the Seras while she is telepathically commanded by Alucard's head to put him between her boobs and legs, only to be interrupted by one of Anderson's bayonets, much to Alucard's irritation. Before she can be killed, the Seras is saved by Integra, who chastises Anderson for breaching their agreement over territory and killing each other, to which Anderson proceeds to violate more by killing Integra's bodyguards. As Anderson boasts about killing Alucard, Integra merely smiles as Alucard reforms, much to Anderson's confusion. Anderson then leaves. Left alone, Alucard and Integra discuss who could be responsible for the recurring vampire attacks, to which Alucard suggests the Nazis could be behind the plot. Integra dismisses it as "retarded".

"Bullet From Your Valentine"
After coming back from clearing a high school infested with zombies, Integra commands Alucard to stay in his dungeon until her meeting with the Parliament's financial councils (or "Old Assholes", as the description credits) concludes. Alucard objects and decides to go for another walk. However, Integra bribes him by agreeing to give him a new gun, a cannon for the Seras (to which he remarked "Bitches love cannons"), and a 70 inch plasma screen TV with Netflix. Soon, Integra meets with the council, who proceed to name a lengthy list of financial troubles that are mostly (if not all) caused by Alucard, annoying her.

Later, after Luke and Jan Valentine start their assault on the Hellsing mansion, Integra quickly calls Alucard for assistance, but the vampire spitefully refuses to help, sarcastically following Integra's orders to not come out of his room, and mentioning the bribes she gave him. Alucard then hangs up, having started to watch Adventure Time on Netflix. Enraged, Integra instead calls Walter for assistance. Not long afterwards, Luke finds Alucard's room, due to there being a group of armed guards posted around it, and shoots Alucard's TV as he is watching Netflix. Alucard becomes incredibly annoyed at his new TV's destruction and casually blows off Luke's introduction, leading to them both fighting.

During their fight, Luke brags about his powers outweighing Alucard's own, referring to himself as a "demigod". Alucard quickly shows the "demigod" up by releasing his Level One restraint and shooting both of his legs off. Alucard mocks Luke for bragging about his supposed superiority and berates him for destroying his TV. As Alucard violently devours a screaming Luke, the sounds of the brutality is presented to the council, and Integra informs them all that Alucard performs such acts when he is bored. Knowing this, the council quickly agrees to continue funding the Hellsing Organization.

In the aftermath, dozens of the guards on the premises are dead and Integra is forced to endure the fact that Alucard is right about Nazis being the masterminds, though she continues to deny it.

"TheCrimsonFuckr"
Many years ago, Abraham Van Helsing stands before a defeated Dracula. Victorious, Van Helsing demands to see what Dracula has to say about all the horrible atrocities and devastation he had committed now that he is defeated. Dracula weakly replies "The aristocrats..." before Van Helsing angrily drives thestake in his chest further. Awaking from the dream, Alucard realizes it is orientation day and frightens Pip and the Wild Geese by phasing through the wall. After the Geese have calmed down, he becomes highly amused to find that they are all French; Integra claiming that she was forced to post mortality rates and the Wild Geese were the only ones to reply. Walter then informs Integra that Enrico Maxwell has invited her for a talk at a museum (and that Alucard tilted the paintings in the hallway). There, Maxwell and Integra insult one another before Alucard and Anderson are called in. To prevent any damage, Seras arrives with a large group of elders to come between the two. With his boner gone, Alucard decides to hold off his conflict with Anderson, who agrees rather casually.

Maxwell reveals that he has information concerning Millennium, the organization that was responsible for damaging the Hellsing property and sending the vampires. In return for the information, Maxwell has Integra apologize for Alucard's multiple threat letters to the Pope, which she grudgingly does. Integra later discovers Millenium conducting activity in Brazil, though she doubts Alucard would go if she told him to. Walter then tricks Alucard into going by explaining to him that he has vacation days, but Integra forbids him to go to Brazil. In response, Alucard heads there with Seras and Pip to spite his boss. Once in Brazil, Alucard claims the hotel's penthouse by hypnotizing the bellboy into kicking out it's current resident, Chevy Chase (subsequently hypnotizing him into thinking the movie White Chicks was great, much to Pip's disgust). Shortly after settling in, Seras and Alucard (identified as a young British woman and "some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker") are broadcast on Brazillian news firing off shots in the hotel, enraging Integra. Integra then calls the two, Alucard attempting to explain that he was simply relaxing in his room when a SWAT teams burst in to arrest him, resulting in him provoking them into shooting before he killed all but one (who committed suicide). Alucard is optimistic as he can now cancel his room service because of this.

Up at the penthouse, Integra desperately orders Police Girl to not allow Alucard to leave, though he already did to "go for a walk", much to Integra's horror. Alucard annihilates the rest of the SWAT teams, impaling them on the flag poles in front of the hotel. Outside,The Dandy Man reveals that he had set everything up by convincing the police that he would give them immortality in exchange for Alucard's capture, much to the latter's pleasure. The two then fight, both making card puns in the process—Integra also irked at the fact that Alucard is deliberately killing civilians while trying to shoot the Dandy Man. On the roof of the hotel, Dandy Man bets Alucard that he can kill him with one hand, which the vampire agrees. After the first initial attack, Alucard activates his "Alu-Card" (aka releasing another restraint level). With Seras' help, Alucard manages to defeat Dandy Man and read his mind by drinking all of his blood. Doing so, Alucard discovers to his amusement that Nazis are indeed responsible and tweets about it. Integra is further annoyed that Alucard confirmed his theory.

"Trigger Warning"
Integra is forced by Alucard to admit he was right, to which Alucard responds to with an orgasm. After Integra angrily hangs up, Anderson appears, attacking Alucard before informing them of a jet the Vatican had supplied them to return to England with. Before departure, Alucard infuriates Anderson by revealing he had hung a huge banner on the Cristo Redentor that reads "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS".

Back in England, the Vatican are still having trouble taking the banner down when Alucard arrives. He then meets the Queen of England, with whom he exchanges in sexual small-talk. In response, Shelby Penwood swears to abstinence out of disgust.

Alucard then recounts "Operation: Kraut Control" to those present at the meeting, when Walter was fifteen and Alucard was a girl (a guy named Reggie questions the Queen's sexuality in response, much to Alucard's annoyance). The duo managed to stop The Major's plan to create a vampiric Nazi army, though few have managed to survive into the present. Right on cue, a boy with cat ears]] appears to bring a message from The Major. Integra and everyone else is shocked at how Schrodinger managed to get past their dozen guards, who Alucard presumably accidentally killed.

When presented with The Major, Alucard bursts out laughing at how he was still "so fucking fat" and that he was like a "Nazi Louis C.K.". As The Major greets everyone, he also reveals that the Vatican helped him and his company escape from Germany during the war, explaining the information Enrico Maxwell presented to Integra. The Major attempts to reveal ultimate plan, though everyone already knows that it is "Nazi army." As The Major threatens war, Schrodinger flirts with Police Girl, telling her "we would make beautiful children". Alucard shoots him in response, The Major then uses this as an excuse to start the war. After shooting the television displaying The Major, Schrodinger's body and blood mysteriously vanish.The Major revels in the coming war that Alucard started and initiates his plan to head into the English channel. An English aircraft carrier is hijacked by a vampire named Lieutenant Violent in preparation for Rip Van Winkle's arrival. After Rip Van Winkle quirkily makes Violent feel like "a total cunt", she kills him after making him "check [his] privilege".

Back in England, Penwood briefs Integra on the hijacking of the ship, presenting satellite photos of a message on the deck that says "The cake is a lie", to Integra's confusion. The one person in the room who understands the reference then announces that the two assault helicopters sent to intercept the ship are destroyed. In desperation, Penwood pleads for Hellsing's aid, to which Integra observes would have saved Penwood more men if he asked in the first place.

Discussing the approach to the ship, Integra and Walter decide the best way to intercept it is an attack from above. Alucard recommends the Lockheed SR71 Blackbird, which was on his Christmas list.

On the ship, Rip Van Winkle annoys the vampiric crew by singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, which she stops when she senses Alucard's approach. Despite Van Winkle's best attempts at bringing the aircraft down, Alucard still forces it down on the ship by crashing the exploding jet on to the ship, killing all the crew on board except for himself and Rip Van Winkle.

Confronting her, Rip attempts to intimidate him by calling him out as a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig". After catching and destroying her magic bullet, Alucard fully counters her claims with the facts that his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the '40s, he hate everyone equally, and there is no one alive who can comprehend his sexual preferences. Alucard then kills Rip Van Winkle by driving her rifle through her chest, remarking that "bitches love cannons".

Meanwhile, The Major applauds the success of trapping Alucard on the ship. He makes a speech explaining various kinds of war to explain his love for war (Class, Drugs, Race, Flame Wars via Internet, and even referencing the TV show "Storage Wars"). Finishing his speech, he declares to his Millenium Army that it's time to put his plans into motion, which comes down to the desire of starting "World War III". Police Girl and Pip watches the approaching zeppelins from the Hellsing mansion.

Back at the ship, Alucard laughs maniacally, ready for the war. He then says to himself, "I better not miss a damn thing".

"Lay Back and Think of Oblivion"
Millennium begins their attack on London and with Alucard trapped on the ship and unable to be escorted off due to loss of communications Hellsing and the Roundtable no longer have access to their most power asset and Integra and Sir Penwood have an argument after she reveals that they stole the blackbird that Alucard used to get onto the ship and after dealing with a turncoat in the roundtable Integra and Walter leave. Alucard is seen physically at the end of the episode, still on the ship when he sniffs the air and remarks that “something’s burning.”

"Jour de Colère"
Zorin Blitz launches a attack on the Hellsing mansion, which was being protected by Seras and the Wild Geese. After most of the nazi vampires were killed, Zorin created a illusion of her destroying the mansion and heavily injuring all the mercenaries. Alucard then appears inside Seras' mind, telling her that there's no way Zorin could be that giant and tells Seras to open her third eye. She does as he said and realises that Zorin's attack was a illusion. She then attacks the real Zorin, making the illusions dissapear.

"A Scythe for Sore Eyes"
After Zorin kills Pip Bernadotte, Alucard appears in Seras' mind again. She cries about how everyone died because she was not strong enough and that she failed him. Alucard denies by saying he chose her and he never makes mistakes. He also motivates her by saying she is much stronger than she lets herself be, since she has the will to live. Alucard's dialogue also implies that he crashed a car into the world's first british Dairy Queen and that he killed Archduke Ferdinand while falsely accusing another person for it. His motivation causes Seras to wake up, drink Pip's blood and fight against Zorin, eventually killing her.

"Deus Ex Anderson"
Alucard finally arrives on England when the Ninth Crusader is killing the survivors and the iscariots are about to attack Integra and Seras. He jumps from his boat and falls in the middle of the Ninth Crusade and Nazi face-off. He talks to Alexander Anderson and the Captain about how he feels like his two days away felt like years due to all the mess happening in the city. A member of the Ninth Crusader interrupts the conversation and gets shot by Alucard. Integra Hellsing thenorders Alucard to "go for a walk" basically telling him to go berserk. He then liberates restriction level zero and releases all two millions of souls within his body as undead minions, killing the ninth crusade along with most of the nazi vampires and making Anderson and the Captain run away, his souls eventually end up killing Enrico Maxwell too. Integra explains to Seras that he collected all those souls by killing and by walking near battlefields.

Seras and Integra then go talk to Alucard, which was transformed into Dracula. Unlike his normal self, he actually acted rather polite and serious during his conversation. Alexander then appears and tells him that he wants to fight Alucard and not Dracula, and Dracula decides to turn back into his normal form. During the fight, Alucard uses several of his undead souls to heavily injure Alexander, but he refuses to give up. The rest of the iscariots arrive and decide to help their master despite being ordered not to, and with their help, Alexander manages to reach Alucard.

Alexander reveals that he obtained one of the nails that pierced Jesus Christ's body and stabs himself with it, turning into a Monster. When Alucard tries to stop him, he gets his head cut off. After becoming a monster, Alexander offers Alucard a chance to redeem himself and stabs him in the head, allowing him to have a conversation with God. Inside Alucard's mind, God tells Alucard that he is forgiving his sins and releasing his damned souls while burning all of his undead minions, which Alucard complains about. God also offers Alucard a chance to be truly forgiven, but he rejects and tells god to go fuck himself. Alucard then wakes up, attacks and destroys Alexander's heart, making him slowly die and turn to dust. Despite that, Alucard feels remorse for what he did because he truly saw Alexander as a friend.

While slowly dying, Alexander explains that Alucard is actually trying to seek justice to compensate for all his sins and seek true redemption, which Alucard doesn't deny nor confirm it. When he's about to die, he tries to tell Alucard how to find true peace, but Walter appears and finalizes him by destroying his head, making Alucard yell out of anger.

"Abridged Over Troubled Water"
In a flashback, it is revealed that Integra's father, Arthur Hellsing, died when she was a child. He was slowly dying on his bed due to poisoned food, with the show's jokes making it obvious that it was his brother, Richard Traitoro Hellsing, who poisoned him. On his last words, he gives Hellsing's ownership to Integra and tells her that, if she is in a dangerous situation, she could go to the underground dungeon. Following his death, Richard sends Walter to Brazil and decides to kill Integra with the help of his henchmen. Integra runs to the dungeon and gets shot in the arm by Richard, but she manages to open the door and find Alucard. After smelling the blood, Alucard wakes up, drinks it and kills Richard's Henchmen. After finding out that Integra is the sucessor of Arthur, Alucard swears that he will protect Integra as long as she lets him take long walks. Richard tries to shoot Integra but Alucard blocks the bullet with his arm, and Integra picks up one of his guns to shoot and kill Richard.

Back to the present, Walter reveals that he has betrayed the Hellsing Organization, since he wants to fulfill his job as Vampire Hunter and kill Alucard. Alucard then asks for Integra's orders, and she tells him to "fuck him in the vagina" in the context of killing him. Yumie tries killing Walter but she is cut into pieces and killed. Heinkel Wolfe also tries to fight but she is shot by the Captain before she can do anything and, despite surviving, she gets injured. While they're ready to fight, Integra and Seras enter the Major's crashed zeppelin, where they fight more nazi vampires and The Captain.

While fighting, Walter ends up heavily injuring Alucard, and even manages to kill his demonic dog, freeing Luke Valentine in the process. During the fight, Alucard keeps joking around despite Walter taking the conversation seriously. Alucard also calls him out for killing his demonic dog and ruining his joke. After lots of fighting, Walter mutilates and nearly destroys Alucard's body, leaving only the torso and the head. Also during the fight, Walter's becomes juvenile again.

He tries to kill Alucard and destroy his body, only to find out that the body he destroyed was actually Luke Valentine's disguised body. Meanwhile, the real Alucard appears behind him with his female form while mocking Walter's teenage body, which he nicknames "Jolly-Wally". Walter starts getting really angry due to Alucard mocking him and calling him that nickname. Alucard then tells his theory that the real reason Walter betrayed Hellsing was due to him falling in love with Alucard's female body, which he abandoned years ago. Walter asks Alucard why he's not taking the conversation seriously, which he replies by saying he doesn't want to give him what he wants.

"The Party's Over"
Alucard mocks Walter about how he thought that he could beat Alucard when not even a nazi organization, the ninth crusade and the catholics could. He then decides to consume all three millions of souls in England, in order to make himself near invincible again. However, Major secretly ordered Schrodinger to cut his own head and mix with the waves of blood. Because of that, Alucard ends up consuming Schrodinger's soul, enters a paradoxical state due to all souls he consumed being in a confused state, and then he completely dissapears from earth. Following his dissapearence, Seras and Integra manage to defeat the Major and the rest of the nazis, Walter is killed by Heinkel and the iscariots end up surviving, unlike Millennium. 30 years later, Integra is teaming up with the Iscariots to find out why Major was a cyborg. When Seras mentioned Alucard, Integra got angry due to him abandoning them for 30 years.

Nighttime when Integra is sleeping on her bed, Alucard appears and tries to suck her blood, only to be shot by the former. Seras hears and comes to the room in a hurry despite not wearing her panties. After realising he is Alucard, Seras gets happy and Integra asks how was his "walk". He then explains that, after consuming Schrodinger, he was trapped inside himself and forced to give therapy to all 3.424.867 souls inside his body. Whenever he would conform a soul, that soul would dissapear and another one would appear. A third of the souls simply needed to "come out of the closet". Alucard spent 20 years giving therapy to other souls and then other 10 years talking to his own soul about whenever he was truly a bad person. Integra asks why he didn't try to kill them, which he says he tried, including his own soul, but it was not working.

The series ends with Integra biting her own finger and using the blood to feed Alucard.

"Christmas Special"
Alucard is also featured in the non canon Christmas special in which he devises a plan with Seras to kill Santa so that he can have a nightmare before Christmas moment however after he shoots Saint Nick the gunshot wakes up Integra who runs into the living room to find Santa’s corpse with Alucard sitting in a nearby chair. Alucard tries to feign innocence and Integra buys it at first, that is until she notices how Alucard seemed ready to take up Santa’s duty and save Christmas. As Integra accuses Alucard of planning the whole thing he tries to defend himself but Seras enters the room, dressed in a skimpy elf costume, and tells Alucard that she has secured Santa’s Sleigh but Vixen was killed in the process until she notices Integra. Alucard tries to play it off by telling her how cheap her elf costume was before he nonchalantly admits to stealing it, as Integra goes to yell at him again Alucard shouts at her to let him have his nightmare before Christmas moment. Soon after Alucard and Seras leave on the sleigh and visit a few houses but according to Walter Alucard became bored and wandered off.